Mr. Write's Page

This short story is intended to be satirical and humorous. It is that, but it’s also uncomfortably believable. It gives me the willies.

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The Language of Tomorrow

By Niall Keegan
Published in 2005

Dear <insert name>,

Hi there! It’s us, the guys and gals from AdCo! And we’re super-excited to present to YOU, <insert name>, the chance to participate in something entirely new, something wonderful, something the likes of which the world has never -– but no, you wouldn’t be interested.

You would? Fabulous! Read on!

What are we selling, you ask? We’re not selling anything! In fact, we are offering to pay YOU, <insert name> REAL MONEY to spend LESS time watching ads!

Sounds too good to be true? It’s not!

Introducing…

AD-EEZtm!!!

AD-EEZtm is a revolution in linguistic synthesis. A language created by the top scientists in the field, AD-EEZtm is the new way to speak, the fresh way to think, the better way to live.

Unlike conventional, bloated English, AD-EEZtm has been designed with efficiency in mind. It has a vocabulary of less than 5000 (five thousand) words, but every single one carries its weight.

That means no more tricky synonyms! In fact, studies have shown that it takes an average of one-sixth of the time to communicate an idea in AD-EEZtm than it does in English!

It isn’t often that you get offered a chance to learn a new language, save time and make money! But the benefits don’t end there. Upon completing your two-week AD-EEZtm diploma, you will gain access to a whole new range of benefits and special deals.

In February of next year, AdCo will commence broadcasting in EEZ-E-VISIONtm, a new free-to-air channel viewable only to AD-EEZtm graduates (through a special receiver you can attach to your current TV set).

Since all the ads will be written in AD-EEZtm, they will be over in a fraction of the usual time, returning you to your favorite shows and movies that much sooner! That’s almost like FREE cable TV!

So come on, <insert name>! Sign up to be an AD-EEZtm Graduate and get paid to learn! Fill out the attached form and become a part of the future – TODAY!

Your pals,

The Gang from AdCo

P.S. The following is just some boring legal stuff. Personally, we wouldn’t bother reading it, but you can if you really want to.

Disclaimer: AdCo takes no responsibility for any deleterious mental effects, or consequences thereof, that fluency in the language “AD-EEZtm” may cause. These effects include, but are not limited to, insomnia, OCD, ADD, kleptomania, narcolepsy, narcoconsumerism (“sleep shopping”), Tourette’s Syndrome and spontaneous combustion.

Furthermore, AdCo reserves the right to exploit the structure and vocabulary of AD-EEZtm in whatever fashion and for whatever purposes it sees fit, including, but not limited to, political promotion, subliminal marketing, revisionist history, and global domination.