An exchange between Lady Astor and Winston Churchill…
“If you were my husband, sir, I would give you poisoned tea.”
“If you were my wife, madam, I would drink it.”
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Another exchange between Sir Winston and her ladyship…
“Madam, what disguise would you recommend I wear to your costume ball?”
“Why don’t you come sober, Prime Minister?”
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And another…
“Mr. Churchill, you are drunk!”
“Yes, and you, Madam, are ugly. But tomorrow I shall be sober, and you will still be ugly.”
Sir Winston and Lady Astor.
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A Member of Parliament to Prime Minister Benjamin Disraeli:
“Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.”
Disraeli:
“That depends, sir, on whether I embrace your policies or your mistress.”
Benjamin Disraeli.
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George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill:
“I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend — if you have one.”
Churchill’s reply:
“Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second — if there is one.”
George Bernard Shaw.
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Clare Boothe Luce, holding open a door for Dorothy Parker:
“Age before beauty.”
Parker, after stepping through the doorway:
“Pearls before swine.”
Parker (l) and Luce (r).
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“He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.”
— William Faulkner, on Ernest Hemingway
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“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”
— Mark Twain
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“I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.”
— Irvin S. Cobb
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“In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.”
— Charles, Count Talleyrand
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“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.”
— Oscar Wilde
Wilde.
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“He is a self-made man who worships his creator.”
— John Bright
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“He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.”
–Samuel Johnson
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“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.”
— Winston Churchill
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“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.”
— Groucho Marx
Groucho.
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“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.”
— Oscar Wilde
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“He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts… for support rather than illumination.”
— Andrew Lang
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“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.”
— Clarence Darrow
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“Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.”
— Moses Hadas
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“His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.”
— Mae West
West.
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These were great! Thanks for sharing them.