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The pun, according to wordsmith Samuel Johnson, is “the lowest form of humour.” Johnson asserted that puns had “some malignant power” over Shakespeare’s mind.

Johnson probably wouldn’t react well to this pun from Douglas Adams: “You can tune a guitar, but you can’t tuna fish. Unless of course, you play bass.”

Or this groaner from Groucho Marx: “Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.”

If puns are, indeed, a low form of art, the following list should make Dr. Johnson roll over in his grave.

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A girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

Energizer bunny arrested, charged with battery.

How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it.

That earthquake in Washington obviously was the government’s fault.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

In democracy, it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism, it’s your count that votes.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft, and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

Have you ever heard of an honest cheetah?

The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a type-O.

PMS jokes aren’t funny, period.

If you hear it from the horse’s mouth, you’re listening to a neigh sayer.

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it will remain stationery.

Don’t justify sin, just defy sin.

Why were the Indians here first? Because they had reservations.

We’re going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there’s no pop quiz.

I didn’t like my beard at first, but it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker, but I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner again? Oh, deer!

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

Sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center: ‘Keep off the Grass.’

Two silkworms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

Camping is usually intense.

Poor fellow. He ran into a screen door and strained himself.

After Noah sent Ham into the desert, his descendants mustered and bred.

Immanuel doesn’t pun. He Kant.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but mean your mother.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

Velcro — what a rip-off!