Mr. Write's Page

So, why do conspiracy theories get so much traction in society, even when the theories are wildly paranoid and laughable? The answer, in too many cases, is that believing in conspiracy theories makes losers feel better about themselves.

By “losers,” I mean people who are on the losing side of various social, political, and economic issues. Conspiracy theories allow them to explain and rationalize why they are on the losing side:

— “We were tricked and lied to.”
— “Our opponents are evil and powerful. How could we have known?”
— “They may have won, but we found them out. We are smart and special.”

Because conspiracy theories work so well, they often are dreamed up and used by political interests to push the buttons of the electorate. It’s a good way to keep the base outraged and galvanized, like a stew at a merry boil.

Wait a minute! Isn’t what I just said a conspiracy theory?  

Yes, indeed. Conspiracy theories usually are bonkers, but some are true. The best ones, I might add, contain a hint of truth that leaves the intended target teetering with uncertainty.

Truth (or the lack of it) aside, here is a list of interesting conspiracy theories, ranging from the ludicrous to the unlikely to the almost plausible. I present the following sheerly for the entertainment value.

Familiar Classics

The Bermuda Triangle — In the western Atlantic Ocean, some kind of supernatural or extraterrestrial force causes ships and planes to go missing.

The Roswell Incident — In 1947, the Army recovered a UFO that crashed on a ranch near Roswell, New Mexico. The Army said it was just a weather balloon, and denied recovering otherworldly debris or performing any alien autopsies, but they’re lying.

Shakespeare — William Shakespeare didn’t write the works attributed to him. The real author was either Francis Bacon, Christopher Marlowe, Daniel Defoe, John Donne, Sir Walter Raleigh, Mary, Queen of Scots… or some 80 other candidates.

Hitler — Adolph Hitler did not commit suicide in 1945 as you were told. He faked his death, fled to Spain, and ended up hiding out in South America.

Subliminal Messages — The government and the corporations hide subliminal messages in TV advertising to influence our decisions.

JFK — The assassination of John Kennedy was orchestrated by the Mafia (or the KGB or the CIA). Oswald was an innocent patsy.

Area 51 — The remains of a crashed UFO are stored at “Area 51” near Las Vegas, where even today, government scientists are secretly studying advanced alien technology.

The Lunar Landings — The American lunar landings of 1969-1972 were faked by the government on a film set, possibly in the Hollywood Hills, possibly in Area 51.

The Holocaust — Never happened. The gas chambers didn’t exist, and the Nazis didn’t kill six million people. All the photos show victims of typhus.

Fluoridation — We’re told that adding fluoride to the water supply helps prevent tooth decay. Not so. Fluoridation is part of a mind-control plot by communists or some other nefarious group that has infiltrated, uh, various water departments.

The Montauk Project — After World War II, government scientists began working secretly in Montauk, New York, using technology brought here by extraterrestrials from the constellation Orion. The scientists are studying time travel and mind control techniques to keep the populace in line.

Jesus and Mary Magdalene — They secretly were married.

The Philadelphia Experiment — Conducted by the Navy in 1943 to render an object invisible by bending space and time. During the experiment, the USS Eldridge physically vanished, teleported to Norfolk, Virginia, was observed there by other ships, then minutes later reappeared in Philadelphia. Some sailors died from being fused to bulkheads or (yikes!) rematerializing inside out.

Ike and the Aliens — In 1953, President Eisenhower met three times with a race of aliens. It resulted in a treaty that gave us advanced technology, and the aliens were allowed to abduct an occasional human for study. The deal stipulated that the humans had to be returned with no physical damage and no memory of the event.

The Illuminati — The Illuminati, a secret society that originated in Germany in the 1700s, is a powerful worldwide force that has infiltrated business and government at every level. Their goal is a New World Order with guess-who in charge.

Freemasonry — The Fraternal Order of Free and Accepted Masons wants to establish a worldwide satanic government / already controls everything / faked the Moon landing /controls Hollywood.

The Council on Foreign Relations — The CFR has pulled the strings of every President since 1921, with an eye toward creating a worldwide government.

MJ-12 — In 1947, President Truman created the Majestic 12, a top-secret group of scientists and intelligence officers who study dead extraterrestrials and crashed UFOs. The CIA funds MJ-12 by selling illegal drugs.

More Recent Gems

The Reptilian Elite — The human race has been enslaved for centuries by shape-shifting reptilian humanoids from another planet. Virtually all of our leaders and popular entertainers are actually members of this reptilian elite. They drink blood and eat people.

Vegetation on the Moon — The Moon has a stronger gravity than we are told, and the far side of the Moon has an atmosphere, vegetation, and lakes. NASA is keeping this information from the public.

HIV/AIDS — The disease was created by the CIA in order to wipe out gays and blacks / was created by the Pentagon in order to hold down the number of poor people / was accidentally created by a scientist studying chimpanzee kidneys.

Chemtrails — Contrails, the vapor trails left in the wake of high-flying jets, are really chemicals spread by the government to harm our health and/or make us stupid.

Paul is Dead — Paul McCartney died in 1966. A look-alike named Billy Shears was hired by the remaining Beatles and has been impersonating Paul ever since.

The Federal Reserve — The Federal Reserve System is an arm of the New World Order. Its mission is to transfer wealth from the poor and middle classes to the international bankers.

The Secret Underground — The government has constructed numerous underground cities, connected by massive tunnels, where secret experiments and operations are carried out. Congress has been kept in the dark about it.

Black Helicopters — When the New World Order takes over, waves of black helicopters will sweep in and round up the citizenry. Some of us will go to concentration camps, others will be eliminated. The helicopters are actual life forms, grown from seed crystals implanted in cows.

Martin Bormann — Nazi leader Martin Bormann survived World War II and headed a sinister cabal that included, among others, Meyer Lansky, Grover Norquist, Michael Chertoff, and the Bush family.

The Truth About the Vatican — The Vatican is a front for an ancient satanic group that possesses sinister occult knowledge. The group rose to power through centuries of bloody conquest, then burned all the books and rewrote history.

The Real Cause of the Civil War — The British caused the American Civil War by shrewdly manipulating the North and the South. It was part of a plot, going back to the Revolutionary War, to create chaos so Britain could reclaim the United States.

Feminism — “Feminism is a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism, and become lesbians.” So says right-wing wacko Pat Robertson.

Princess Diana — Princess Di was killed by British Special Forces operatives to stop her from revealing embarrassing information about Prince Charles.

Elvis Presley — Elvis is alive and well. He works as an undercover agent for the DEA.

Modern-Day Additions

The Clinton Body Count — While he was President and before, Bill Clinton quietly had 50 or 60 people killed because they stood in the way of his career.

9/11 — The 9/11 attacks were carried out by Israel to trick the U.S. into attacking Iran. Each year, Israeli children celebrate 9/11 by dancing in the streets.

Cures Kept Secret — The medical and pharmaceutical industries have cured many diseases and disorders, but won’t reveal it. Keeping people sick increases their profits.

Sandy Hook — The 2012 killing of 26 people at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, Connecticut, was a “false flag” operation staged by the U.S. government. They want to take away our guns.

Global Warming — Human activity does not cause a rise in greenhouse gases in Earth’s atmosphere. Global warming is natural, the extra CO2 beneficial to plant life. Blaming humans is a plot to create a socialist world government, or something.

Benghazi — The attack was a botched attempt by terrorists to kidnap Ambassador Chris Stevens and trade him for imprisoned Sheik Omar Abdel-Rahman. The incident proves that Obama, Hillary, and the liberals are weak, sniveling, incompetent cowards who want to take our guns, or something.

Gabby Giffords — The 2011 Tucson shootings that killed six people and wounded Congresswoman Giffords and 13 others was a hoax. It was staged to fire up anti-gun sentiment. She is faking her condition.

Fabricated History — A big chunk of the history of the early Middle Ages, namely 614-911 AD, is a fabrication. Those years never happened. They were slipped into the calendar by the Holy Roman Emperor Otto III, so he could say he reigned in the year 1000 AD. In truth, we live in the year 1717, not 2014.

Crack from the CIA — During the 1980s, the CIA distributed crack cocaine in America’s inner cities to reduce the population and gain control of the survivors.

The SSSS — the New World Order is working on a system called the Silent Sound Spread Spectrum, which, when perfected, will send microwave signals into the mind of every American, instantly forcing them into submission.

Tin Foil Hats — Tin foil hats actually make it easier for the government to read your mind, not harder. The idea that a foil helmet shields the wearer from radio waves is a lie spread by the FCC.

Osama Bin Laden — He wasn’t shot by those Navy SEALs after all. The raid was fabricated to improve President Obama’s election chances.

Obama Derangement Syndrome

— Barack Obama’s birth certificate is a fake. He was born in Kenya, not Hawaii.

— He uses the social security number of Jean Paul Ludwig, a French immigrant. Obama’s grandmother stole the number for Barack’s use after Ludwig died in 1981.

— Obama later killed his grandmother so she wouldn’t talk.

— His real father was Malcolm X.

— He is a lifelong Muslim and wants to institute Sharia Law.

— He was sworn in on a Koran.

— He wears a ring inscribed with Koranic verses.

— Obamacare, under instructions from the New World Order, is slowly poisoning people with vaccines. The goal is to reduce the population to a manageable two billion people.

— Obama is gay. In Chicago, he was a known cocaine-using hustler. Until he decided to run for the U.S. Senate in 2004, he frequented gay bars and bathhouses.

— His marriage is a sham. Michele cooperates because of the wealth and power, but will dump him as soon as he leaves office.

— He is sleeping with Beyoncé.

— He went to Mars as a teenager.

— He was behind the BP oil spill.

— He won’t say the Pledge of Allegiance.