“If I Had $1000000” first appeared in 1989 on an indie tape released by Ed Robertson and Steven Page, the founding members of the Canadian band Barenaked Ladies. It is still, I assume, a staple of the band’s live performances.
The song had been improvised earlier when Robertson and Page were working as counselors at a music camp. At the time, the song simply listed amusing things they would buy if they had a million dollars. The concept of giving the items to a sweetheart was added later, when the song was fine-tuned.
We Yanks have great affection for “If I Had $1000000,” but in Canada, it’s practically a national anthem. In 2005, CBC Radio ranked it number two of the Top 50 Essential Canadian Tracks. An excellent list, by the way.
If I Had $1000000
By Barenaked Ladies, 1989
Written by Ed Robertson and Steven Page
If I had a million dollars,
If I had a million dollars,
Well, I’d buy you a house.
I would buy you a house.
And if I had a million dollars,
If I had a million dollars,
I’d buy you furniture for your house.
Maybe a nice Chesterfield or an ottoman.
And if I had a million dollars,
If I had a million dollars,
Well, I’d buy you a K-Car.
A nice Reliant automobile
And if I had a million dollars,
I’d buy your love.
If I had a million dollars,
I’d build a tree fort in our yard…
If I had a million dollars,
You could help, it wouldn’t be that hard…
If I had a million dollars,
Maybe we could put a little tiny fridge in there somewhere.
We could just go up there and hang out.
Like open the fridge and stuff, and there’d always be food laid out for us,
Like little pre-wrapped sausages and things. Mmmm.
They have pre-wrapped sausages, but they don’t have pre-wrapped bacon.
Well, can you blame them?
Uh, yeah!
If I had a million dollars,
If I had a million dollars,
Well, I’d buy you a fur coat.
But not a real fur coat. That’s cruel.
And if I had a million dollars,
If I had a million dollars,
Well, I’d buy you an exotic pet.
Yep, like a llama or an emu.
And if I had a million dollars,
If I had a million dollars,
Well, I’d buy you John Merrick’s remains.
Ooh, all them crazy elephant bones.
And if I had a million dollars,
I’d buy your love.
If I had a million dollars,
We wouldn’t have to walk to the store.
If I had a million dollars,
We’d take a limousine, ’cause it costs more.
If I had a million dollars,
We wouldn’t have to eat Kraft Dinner.
But we WOULD eat Kraft Dinner.
Of course we would. We’d just eat more.
And buy really expensive ketchups with it.
That’s right, all the fanciest Dijon ketchups.
Mmmm.
If I had a million dollars,
If I had a million dollars,
Well, I’d buy you a green dress.
But not a real green dress. That’s cruel.
And if I had a million dollars,
If I had a million dollars,
Well, I’d buy you some art,
A Picasso or a Garfunkel.
If I had a million dollars,
If I had a million dollars,
Well, I’d buy you a monkey.
Haven’t you always wanted a monkey?
If I had a million dollars,
I’d buy your love.
If I had a million dollars,
If I had a million dollars,
If I had a million dollars,
If I had a million dollars,
If I had a million dollars,
I’d be rich.
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