Mr. Write's Page

Like many people, I’m fascinated by lists. Lists are convenient and efficient. They’re simple and easy. They skip the formalities and get right to it.

Recently, I ran across a really fascinating list: memorable deaths throughout history.

To be sure, some of the entries were gruesome in the extreme. Like the poor Soviet cosmonauts whose spacecraft suddenly depressurized in space. Or the film director who was shooting a scene and inadvertently walked into the tail rotor of a helicopter.

So, considerate fellow that I am, I went through the list and separated the wheat from the chaff; I jettisoned the most off-putting stuff and kept the entries that, although shocking, are notable for their irony or (dare I say it) humor.

I present herewith a sanitized list of memorable deaths down through the centuries.

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Draco, Greece, 620 BC — A legislator, Draco was smothered to death by gifts of cloaks and hats showered on him by appreciative citizens.

Aeschylus, Greece, 455 BC — Killed when an eagle dropped a tortoise on a rock in order to crack open its shell. The rock turned out to be Aeschylus’ bald head.

17th century engraving of the death of Aeschylus. He was known as the Father of Greek Tragedy, but for other reasons.

Agathocles, Greece, 288 BC — Murdered by an adversary who slipped him a poisoned toothpick.

Emperor Qin Shi Huang, China, 210 BC — He died after drinking mercury, which for some reason he believed would grant him eternal life.

Béla I, Hungary, 1063 — Gravely injured when his throne collapsed beneath him. Days later, he died from his wounds.

Hans Steininger, Austria, 1567 — Tripped over his own magnificent beard and broke his neck.

Tycho Brahe, Denmark, 1601 — Died of a bladder ailment after refusing to leave a banquet to relieve himself, because leaving would have been a breach of etiquette.

James Betts, England, 1667 — Asphyxiated after being sealed in a cupboard by his girlfriend, who was attempting to hide Betts from her father.

King Adolph Frederick, Sweden, 1771 — Died after consuming a sumptuous meal of lobster, caviar, sauerkraut, smoked herring, champagne, and 14 servings of hetvägg, a sweet roll served in a bowl of warm milk.

A serving of hetvägg.

Clement Vallandigham, Ohio, 1871 — While defending a man on a murder charge, in the act of demonstrating how, in reality, the victim accidentally shot himself, he accidentally shot himself. The client was acquitted, attorney Vallandigham died.

George Herbert, Earl of Carnarvon, England, 1923 — While shaving, he cut a mosquito bite on his face. The cut became infected, which led to blood poisoning, and eventually to pneumonia, and finally to the earl’s demise.

Isadora Duncan, France, 1927 — The famous American dancer died of a broken neck when her signature flowing scarf became entangled in the rear wheel of the car in which she was a passenger.

Gareth Jones, England, 1958 — Jones, an actor appearing in a drama on live television, died of a heart attack between scenes. Because Jones’ character was due to suffer a heart attack in the next scene anyway, the play continued to its conclusion, with some minor improvisation.

Basil Brown, England, 1974 — A 48-year-old health food advocate, he drank 10 gallons of carrot juice in 10 days, overdosed on vitamin A, and died of liver failure.

Tom Pryce, South Africa, 1977 — During the South African Grand Prix, Pryce’s car struck and killed a fire marshal who was running across the track to extinguish a burning car. Simultaneously, the man’s fire extinguisher hit Pryce in the head, killing him. At the time, Pryce’s car was traveling at 170 mph.

David Grundman, Arizona, 1982 — After firing his shotgun several times at a 26-foot-tall saguaro cactus at close range, Grundman was killed when a large arm of the cactus broke off, fell, and crushed him.

Gary Hoy, Canada, 1993 — Mr. Hoy, an attorney, threw himself against the window of a hotel room to demonstrate to visitors that the glass was unbreakable. The glass didn’t break, but it popped out of its frame, and Mr. Hoy fell 24 stories to his death.

Humberto Hernandez, California, 2007 — Hernandez was walking in Oakland when a passing car struck a nearby fire hydrant. The extreme water pressure shot the hydrant directly at Hernandez and killed him.

Jimi Heselden, England, 2010 — The British millionaire had just purchased Segway, Inc., manufacturer of the self-balancing electric vehicle. He died of injuries sustained when he drove a Segway off an 80-foot cliff.

Jose Ochoa, California, 2011 — During an illegal cockfight in which the birds wore sharp metal spurs, Ochoa somehow got in the way, and one of the birds slashed his leg. He bled to death before help could arrive.

João de Souza, Brazil, 2013 — He was crushed in his bed when a cow fell through the roof  (the cow having ventured there from an adjacent hillside). Both the cow and Mrs. de Sousa, who was sleeping next to her husband, were unharmed.

Peng Fan, China, 2014 — A chef, he was making soup from a cobra he had just killed and cleaned. His arm brushed against the severed head, the head reflexively bit him, and he died.

Robin Wahlgren, Australia, 2015 — On a lark, Wahlgren rode a supermarket shopping cart down a long, steep hill. Near the bottom, traveling at about 50 mph, the cart slammed into an oncoming car. Wahlgren died at the scene.

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Folks, let’s be careful out there!