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Medical Advances

Science fiction appeals to me for many reasons, but mostly because of the “what if” factor. No other genre allows a writer to speculate about anything at all, with no restrictions.

For example, a question once occurred to author Robert Shea: where, logically, could advances in medical science someday lead us? And he wrote the following story.

————

Resurrection

By Robert J. Shea
Published in Fantastic Universe, December 1957

“You’re a fascinating person,” the girl said. “I’ve never met anyone like you before. Tell me your story again.”

The man was short and stocky, with Asiatic features and a long, stringy mustache. “The whole story?” he asked. “It would take a lifetime to tell you.” He stared out the window at the yellow sun and the red sun. He still hadn’t gotten used to seeing two suns. But that was minor, really, when there were so many other things he had to get used to.

A robot waiter, with long thin metal tubes for arms and legs, glided over. When he’d first seen one of those, he’d thought it was a demon. He’d tried to smash it. They’d had trouble with him at first.

“They had trouble with me at first,” he said.

“I can imagine,” said the girl. “How did they explain it to you?”

“It was hard. They had to give me the whole history of medicine. It was years before I got over the notion that I was up in the Everlasting Blue Sky, or under the earth, or something.” He grinned at the girl. She was the first person he’d met since they got him a job and gave him a home in a world uncountable light years from the one he’d been born on.

“When did you begin to understand?”

“They simply taught all of history to me. Including the part about myself. Then I began to get the picture. Funny. I wound up teaching them a lot of history.”

“I bet you know a lot.”

“I do,” the man with the Asiatic features said modestly. “Anyway, they finally got across to me that in the 22nd century — they had explained the calendar to me, too; I used a different one in my day — they had learned how to grow new limbs on people who had lost arms and legs.”

“That was the first real step,” said the girl.

“It was a long time till they got to the second step,” he said. “They learned how to stimulate life and new growth in people who had already died.”

“The next part is the thing I don’t understand,” the girl said.

“Well,” said the man, “as I get it, they found that any piece of matter that has been part of an organism, retains a physical ‘memory’ of the entire structure of the organism of which it was part. And that they could reconstruct that structure from a part of a person, if that was all there was left of him. From there it was just a matter of pushing the process back through time. They had to teach me a whole new language to explain that one.”

“Isn’t it wonderful that intergalactic travel gives us room to expand?” said the girl. “I mean now that every human being that ever lived has been brought back to life and will live forever?”

“Same problem I had, me and my people,” said the man. “We were cramped for space. This age has solved it a lot better than I did. But they had to give me a whole psychological overhauling before I understood that.”

“Tell me about your past life,” said the girl, staring dreamily at him.

“Well, six thousand years ago, I was born in the Gobi Desert, on Earth,” said Genghis Khan, sipping his drink.

Genghis Khan

Genghis Khan (1162-1227), born in what is now Mongolia, founded the Mongol Empire. He has the distinction of being responsible for more deaths than anyone else in history; 40 million died during his reign.

 

The Minions Speak

Donald Trump, the most laughable President in U.S. history, met with his full Cabinet for the first time recently. Since then, the meeting has been thoroughly covered in the news and mocked repeatedly, and there’s little reason for Rocky Smith to chime in about it, but I can’t help myself…

Trump, the Orange Vulgarian, never operates in a remotely normal or dignified manner, so it came as no surprise that his first Cabinet meeting was so cringe-worthy.

After patting himself on the back for a host of phantom accomplishments, Trump asked the assembled minions to say a few words. They did. All of them.

In my considered opinion, these minions are an especially villainous bunch, not only ill-suited to serve, but salivating to wreak havoc while they can. (You know, like Scott Pruitt cheerfully dismantling environmental protections.) I expect only the worst from them.

And the worst is what we got. What transpired was an example of shameless sycophancy — of a roomful of toadies competing to out-brown-nose each other and impress Dear Leader Trump.

Through it all, Trump listened, nodded, and smiled with satisfaction. No doubt it reminded him of his glory days on The Apprentice.

Here are some lowlights from the meeting.

————

Mike Pence, Vice President:

“It is just the greatest privilege of my life is to serve as the — as vice president to the President who’s keeping his word to the American people and assembling a team that’s bringing real change, real prosperity, real strength back to our nation.”

Sonny Perdue, Secretary of Agriculture:

I want to congratulate you on the men and women you’ve placed around this table. This is the team you’ve assembled that’s working hand in glove with — for the men and women of America, and I want to — I want to thank you for that. These are — are great team members and we’re on your team.”

Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, Attorney General:

“We are receiving, as you know — I’m not sure the rest of you fully understand — the support of law enforcement all over America. They have been very frustrated. They are so thrilled that we have a new idea that we’re going to support them and work together to properly, lawfully fight the rising crime that we are seeing. The response is fabulous around the country.”

Tom Price, Secretary of Health and Human Services:

“Mr. President, what an incredible honor it is to lead the Department of Health and Human Services at this pivotal time under your leadership. I can’t thank you enough for the privileges you’ve given me and the leadership that you’ve shown.”

Nikki Haley, UN Ambassador:

It’s a new day at the United Nations. You know, we now have a very strong voice. People know what the United States is for, they know what we’re against, and they see us leading across the board. And so, I think the international community knows we’re back.”

Scott Pruitt, EPA Administrator:

“I actually arrived back this morning at 1 o’clock from Italy and the G-7 summit focused on the environment. And our message there was the United States is going to be focused on growth and protecting the environment. And it was received well.”

Rick Perry, Energy Secretary:

“America is not stepping back, but we’re stepping into place and sending some messages, that we’re still going to be leaders in the world when it comes to the climate, but we’re not going to be held hostage to some executive order that was ill thought out. And so, my hat’s off to you for taking that stance and presenting a clear message around the world that America’s going to continue to lead in the area of energy.”

David Shulkin, Secretary of Veterans Affairs:

“Mr. President, thank you for your support and commitment to honoring our responsibility to America’s veterans. I know that this is personally very important to you.”

Mick Mulvaney, Director, Office of Management and Budget:

“Thanks for the kind words about the budget. You’re absolutely right, we are going to be able to take care of the people who really need it. And at the same time, with your direction, we were able to also focus on the forgotten man and woman who are the folks who are paying those taxes.”

Steve Mnuchin, Secretary of the Treasury:

“It was a great honor traveling with you around the country for the last year and an even greater honor to be here serving on your Cabinet.”

Mike Pompeo, CIA Director:

“Mr. President, it’s an honor to serve as your CIA director. It’s an incredible privilege to lead the men and women who are providing intelligence so that we can do the national security mission. And in the finest traditions of the CIA, I’m not going to share a damn thing in front of the media.”

Rrrrreince Priebus, Chief of Staff:

“On behalf of the entire senior staff around you, Mr. President, we thank you for the opportunity and the blessing that you’ve given us to serve your agenda.”

————

To be fair, a couple of the minions maintained a modicum of integrity and wouldn’t play.

————

James Mattis, Secretary of Defense:

“Mr. President, it’s an honor to represent the men and women of the Department of Defense. And we are grateful for the sacrifices our people are making in order to strengthen our military so our diplomats always negotiate from a position of strength. Thank you.”

Rex Tillerson, Secretary of State:

“Thank you for the honor to serve the country. It’s a great privilege you’ve given me.”

————

Even so, the fact that most of them DID play, and that Trump clearly expects such fawning, is a sorry spectacle.

Years ago, when I was a green lieutenant in the Air Force, I was having lunch with a colonel who was head of the base Legal Office. I don’t recall the subject, but I observed that, in some situation or other, we had reached “rock bottom.”

“Bottom?” the colonel replied. “Rocky, wake up. There is no bottom.”

Fawning-1

Fawning-2

 

The Questions…

1. Muggsy Bogues, a standout NBA point guard for 14 years (1987-2001), is listed as the shortest player in league history. How tall is Muggsy?

2. According to a recent study by a team of psychologists, what three professions employ the most psychopaths?

3. What is “salamander’s wool”?

4. In football, a “sack” occurs when the quarterback is tackled behind the line of scrimmage while still in possession of the ball. What fierce pass rusher of yore coined the term “sack”?

5. If a recipe calls for a teaspoon of salt, you get out the measuring spoons. But if the recipe specifies a “dash” or a “pinch” of salt, what then? Do you wing it?

The Answers…

1. Muggsy is 5’3″. During his rookie year, his 7’7″ teammate Manute Bol was the NBA’s tallest player.

2. CEOs, lawyers, and people in the news media, in that order.

3. Asbestos. The term is based on the ancient superstition that salamanders are so cold and moist, they will not burn. As far back as the first century AD, fire-resistant garments woven from the fibrous mineral asbestos were believed to be made of salamander skin.

4. Defensive end Deacon Jones of the Los Angeles Rams. He first used the term in the 1960s, explaining, “You know, like you sack a city.”

5. Certainly not. In the world of cookery sciences, measurements are very precise: 1 tad = 1/4 teaspoon; 1 dash = 1/8 tsp; 1 pinch = 1/16 tsp; 1 smidgen = 1/32 tsp; and 1 drop = 1/64 tsp.

Muggsy and Manute

Spoons

 

One and Done

Later this month, my twin granddaughters Katie and Kelsey turn 17. The other day, I sent a text message to their dad regarding gifts. Here is our exchange…

Rocky: For the girls’ birthday… cash or gift cards?

Britt: Thanks for asking. Cash seems to work best these days.

Rocky: Roger.

Britt: They really deserve coal.

Rocky: Suck it up, Dad. Your function right now is to provide a target for teenage angst.

Britt: Seems I am ground zero.

Poor Britt. He’s a good guy and a good dad, but his fate is to endure the classic parental trial by fire with two teenagers at the same time. That’s brutal.

When my boys Britt and Dustin were teens, at least I was able to deal with them one at a time, several years apart. How would I have coped — or failed to cope — had they been a tandem? Ugly to contemplate.

To be honest, I regret that my parenting skills were never tested on girls. I always wished that a girl had been in the mix. They say boys are easier to raise, but I’ll never know.

What I do know, having been both a teen and a parent, is that parents play a hugely important role during the teen years — as sounding boards and punching bags.

Teenagers need a safe way to deal with and vent some of that pesky angst. If they can’t do it at home, they’ll be forced to find another outlet. That scenario isn’t likely to end well.

And frankly, the parents don’t need to be very good at the task. Or calm and adult about it. They can even rant and blow their cool, if so inclined. No strategy is necessary. You’re free to wing it.

A parent must, however, adhere to a few simple rules: provide the target; keep it in the family; refrain from throwing anybody out of the house; and make it clear that whatever sparks may fly, you love your kid anyway.

Compared to Britt’s situation, I guess I had it easy: one kid at a time.

As for Dustin, his daughters are now 13 and 10. His time is almost here, and he’ll get the same kind of “break” I did.

On the other hand, Dustin and I have to navigate these waters twice. With Britt, it’s one and done. That certainly has its appeal.

Survived

 

Headline Bloopers

Remember newspapers? To jog your memory, here are some headlines botched by assorted newspapers over the years. Proofread and think, people!

————

15 Pit Bulls Rescued, Two Arrested

Deaf Mute Gets New Hearing in Killing

Two Convicts Evade Noose, Jury Hung

War Dims Hope for Peace

Bloopers 1-1

Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped

Homeless Man Under House Arrest

Smokers are Productive, but Death Cuts Efficiency

Dealers Will Hear Car Talk at Noon

Bloopers 1-2

Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

Nicaragua Sets Goal to Wipe Out Literacy

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Bloopers 1-3

Death Causes Loneliness, Feeling of Isolation

Grandmother of Eight Makes Hole in One

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

William Kelly, 87, was Fed Secretary

Bloopers 1-4

 

Test vehicle

Cooties

Trains

Wanker

More Proof

Here’s more proof that money and power can’t buy class, character, manners, or a sense of decency.

Class, character, humility and integrity have to be earned, but some people are destined to remain callous, small-minded jerks. That’s just the way it is.

Sad.