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Posts Tagged ‘Humor’

More headlines that were botched by assorted newspapers over the years. Proofread and think, people!

 

Milk Drinkers are Turning to Powder

Farmer Bill Dies in House

Lawmen from Mexico Barbecue Guests

Panda Mating Fails, Veterinarian Takes Over

Bloopers 2-1

If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly It May Last a While

Blind Woman Gets New Kidney from Dad She Hasn’t Seen in Years

Man Fatally Slain

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say

Bloopers 2-2

Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim

Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax

Never Withhold Herpes from Loved One

Child’s Stool Great for Use in Garden

Bloopers 2-3

Dr. Ruth to Talk About Sex With Newspaper Editors

Autos Killing 110 a Day — Let’s Resolve to Do Better

Miners Refuse to Work After Death

Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again

Bloopers 2-4

 

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ST. PAUL, MINNESOTA — A late-night police chase ended last month when a GMC Yukon Denali ran off the road and four men escaped into the darkness. When officers searched the vehicle, they found a goat tied up with an electrical cord.

The goat was identified as Gordy, a member of a herd rented by the St. Paul Parks and Recreation Department to eat invasive plants on a bluff along the Mississippi River. Earlier that day, several goats had escaped through a break in a fence, and all but Gordy had been found.

Two 29-year-old men later were arrested in connection with the crash. They were charged with gross misdemeanor theft and fleeing police.

A police spokesman said the department’s Facebook post about the incident has received an unusual amount of attention. Among the comments: “It was a ‘kid’-napping” and “Stealing really gets my goat.”

Gordy

ALBUQUERQUE, NEW MEXICO — While a TV news crew taped footage for a story about an increase in crime in downtown Albuquerque, a thief drove away in the station’s news truck.

The news director of KOB-TV said the crew saw the vehicle being stolen, but could not prevent it. The vehicle was equipped with a GPS tracking device, and it was found abandoned about 30 minutes later, undamaged. It was locked, and the keys were missing.

“I have a rule that you can never be the lead of your own newscast,” said the news director. “So this violates that rule.”

News truck

PARIS, FRANCE — French performance artist Abraham Poincheval succeeded in hatching a basket of chicken eggs with his own body heat after personally incubating them for three weeks.

The incubating occurred inside a glass vivarium at a Paris art museum. For the endeavor, Poincheval sat on a chair, wrapped in a traditional Korean cloak, with the eggs in a container beneath him. He left the chair for no more than a total of 30 minutes per day.

A spokeswoman for the museum said nine of the 10 eggs hatched, and the chicks were taken to a farm.

Earlier this year, Poincheval lived for a week inside a large piece of limestone with a space carved out for his body. He explained that he was trying to escape from human time and experience mineral speed.

Incubator

 

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A trip to Walmart, if you’ll permit me this peculiar analogy, is a bit like going to the Mos Eisley spaceport in “Star Wars.”

Not because it’s a wretched hive of scum and villainy. Au contraire, mes amis. Rather, because Walmart is a societal and cultural melting pot, teeming with activity, always poised to surprise and entertain.

When in Walmart, a person should be observant, because sometimes you strike gold.

————

So, there I was at Walmart, in the electronics department, perusing the laptops that hadn’t been vandalized yet.

A few yards away, a young man and woman in their 20s were rifling through the DVDs in a large bin marked “$3.74.”

Strapped to the young woman’s chest was a googly-eyed infant dressed in pink. The baby was trying gamely to snag one of the DVDs from the bin, emulating Mom and Dad.

Twice, the child succeeded and began to gnaw on the corner of the DVD. Each time, the mom snatched it away and sailed it back into the bin.

After a time, this exchange ensued:

DadHey, look. Alien. That’s an oldie.

MomWe got that already. You paid too much for it. I told you that.

They continued digging.

DadOh, wow! The Terminator! Another classic!

MomWe got that, too.

Dad — I know. I’m just sayin’ it goes way back. Schwarzenegger made The Terminator before he was President.

Mom — Honey, for God’s sake! Schwarzenegger wadn’t never President!

Dad — He damn sure was. He was President of California.

Mom — That is so dumb! Listen, he wadn’t PRESIDENT of California!

Dad — He damn sure was.

Mom — No, he wadn’t! He was MAYOR of California!

Dad — You sure?

Mom — Hell, yes!

Dad — Mayor, President. Same thing.

$3.74

 

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More random photos I’ve taken over the years that still make me smile.

Tanks

Warning sign

Socks

Opposable thumbs

Blonde power

 

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Headline Bloopers

Remember newspapers? To jog your memory, here are some headlines botched by assorted newspapers over the years. Proofread and think, people!

————

15 Pit Bulls Rescued, Two Arrested

Deaf Mute Gets New Hearing in Killing

Two Convicts Evade Noose, Jury Hung

War Dims Hope for Peace

Bloopers 1-1

Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped

Homeless Man Under House Arrest

Smokers are Productive, but Death Cuts Efficiency

Dealers Will Hear Car Talk at Noon

Bloopers 1-2

Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

Nicaragua Sets Goal to Wipe Out Literacy

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Bloopers 1-3

Death Causes Loneliness, Feeling of Isolation

Grandmother of Eight Makes Hole in One

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

William Kelly, 87, was Fed Secretary

Bloopers 1-4

 

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Test vehicle

Cooties

Trains

Wanker

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EAST PALESTINE, OHIO — While his parents slept, an eight-year-old boy learned to drive a car by watching an online video, then took the family van to a nearby McDonald’s to get a cheeseburger.

Police said the boy got a hankering for a cheeseburger at about 8 PM, after both parents had fallen asleep. The boy watched an instructional video on YouTube, put his four-year-old sister in his father’s van, and drove almost two miles through several intersections to the drive-through window at a McDonald’s.

When the boy ordered two cheeseburgers, the employees at first thought they were being pranked, assuming the parents were in the back seat. When they realized the children were alone, they quickly called police.

The boy broke down in tears, but he and his sister were allowed to eat their cheeseburgers while waiting to be picked up.

Tutorial

CLEVELAND, OHIO — Cleveland police say an attempted carjacking by two teenagers failed because neither carjacker could operate a stick shift, even with coaching from the victim.

Police said the perpetrators, ages 18 and 17, had committed two armed carjackings successfully, but were foiled because the third vehicle had a manual transmission.

The older teen pointed a gun at the victim and ordered him to explain how to shift gears. The driver complied, but eventually, the teens gave up. They ran away, taking the driver’s cellphone with them.

Police promptly traced the cellphone and arrested them.

Stick shift

TUCSON, ARIZONA — A man prowling around a Tucson elementary school ended up hanging from a gate, upside-down and helpless, when he tried to flee.

According to police, the man was spotted on the fenced campus of Miles Elementary School by a locksmith. School was not in session at the time.

When confronted, the intruder ran, slipped while climbing over a locked gate, and was trapped by his own pants.

Tucson police freed the man and took him into custody.

Trapped

 

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