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Posts Tagged ‘Humor’

Headline Bloopers

More headlines botched by assorted newspapers over the years. Proofread and think, people!

 

Man Stabbed 37 Times, Police Rule Out Suicide

March Planned for Next August

Patient at Death’s Door, Doctors Pull Him Through

Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

Bloopers 3-1

Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

Safety Experts Say Bus Riders Should Be Belted

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

Bloopers 3-2

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

Include Your Children When Baking Cookies

One-Armed Man Applauds Kindness of Strangers

Stiff Opposition Expected to Casketless Funeral Plan

Bloopers 3-3

Man Accused of Killing Lawyer Gets New Attorney

Parents Keep Kids Home to Protest School Closure

Hooker Named Indoor Athlete of the Year

Two Sisters Reunite After 18 Years at Checkout Counter

Bloopers 3-4

 

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Giraffes

Crazy voices

Honk if

Alcohol

 

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Help is On the Way

A few days ago, I stopped at the local Kroger for a few things, among them a bottle of Pinot Noir.

At the self-checkout, in order to get the pesky proof-of-age step out of the way (as if a graybeard like me isn’t over 21), I scanned the bottle of wine first.

I.D. check required!” barked the scanner in a female voice. “Help is on the way!”

Moments later, a young clerk in Kroger blue appeared, probably a high school senior or college freshman. I recognized him from previous visits. A pleasant kid.

I held out my driver’s license. He leaned forward, squinted, read my date of birth, and turned to inform the computer.

That’s a new recording,” I said. “The ‘help-is-on-the-way’ part. I don’t know why it strikes me as funny, but it does.”

Oh, thanks for reminding me,” he said. “I forgot to put on my name tag when I clocked in.”

He reached into a pants pocket and began fishing around.

With an aha, he located the tag, took it out, clipped it to his shirt, and turned so I could see it.

I made this after I heard the recording, like, a million times,” he said.

The badge:

Help

 

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More headlines that were botched by assorted newspapers over the years. Proofread and think, people!

 

Milk Drinkers are Turning to Powder

Farmer Bill Dies in House

Lawmen from Mexico Barbecue Guests

Panda Mating Fails, Veterinarian Takes Over

Bloopers 2-1

If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly It May Last a While

Blind Woman Gets New Kidney from Dad She Hasn’t Seen in Years

Man Fatally Slain

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say

Bloopers 2-2

Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim

Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax

Never Withhold Herpes from Loved One

Child’s Stool Great for Use in Garden

Bloopers 2-3

Dr. Ruth to Talk About Sex With Newspaper Editors

Autos Killing 110 a Day — Let’s Resolve to Do Better

Miners Refuse to Work After Death

Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again

Bloopers 2-4

 

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ST. PAUL, MINNESOTA — A late-night police chase ended last month when a GMC Yukon Denali ran off the road and four men escaped into the darkness. When officers searched the vehicle, they found a goat tied up with an electrical cord.

The goat was identified as Gordy, a member of a herd rented by the St. Paul Parks and Recreation Department to eat invasive plants on a bluff along the Mississippi River. Earlier that day, several goats had escaped through a break in a fence, and all but Gordy had been found.

Two 29-year-old men later were arrested in connection with the crash. They were charged with gross misdemeanor theft and fleeing police.

A police spokesman said the department’s Facebook post about the incident has received an unusual amount of attention. Among the comments: “It was a ‘kid’-napping” and “Stealing really gets my goat.”

Gordy

ALBUQUERQUE, NEW MEXICO — While a TV news crew taped footage for a story about an increase in crime in downtown Albuquerque, a thief drove away in the station’s news truck.

The news director of KOB-TV said the crew saw the vehicle being stolen, but could not prevent it. The vehicle was equipped with a GPS tracking device, and it was found abandoned about 30 minutes later, undamaged. It was locked, and the keys were missing.

“I have a rule that you can never be the lead of your own newscast,” said the news director. “So this violates that rule.”

News truck

PARIS, FRANCE — French performance artist Abraham Poincheval succeeded in hatching a basket of chicken eggs with his own body heat after personally incubating them for three weeks.

The incubating occurred inside a glass vivarium at a Paris art museum. For the endeavor, Poincheval sat on a chair, wrapped in a traditional Korean cloak, with the eggs in a container beneath him. He left the chair for no more than a total of 30 minutes per day.

A spokeswoman for the museum said nine of the 10 eggs hatched, and the chicks were taken to a farm.

Earlier this year, Poincheval lived for a week inside a large piece of limestone with a space carved out for his body. He explained that he was trying to escape from human time and experience mineral speed.

Incubator

 

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A trip to Walmart, if you’ll permit me this peculiar analogy, is a bit like going to the Mos Eisley spaceport in “Star Wars.”

Not because it’s a wretched hive of scum and villainy. Au contraire, mes amis. Rather, because Walmart is a societal and cultural melting pot, teeming with activity, always poised to surprise and entertain.

When in Walmart, a person should be observant, because sometimes you strike gold.

————

So, there I was at Walmart, in the electronics department, perusing the laptops that hadn’t been vandalized yet.

A few yards away, a young man and woman in their 20s were rifling through the DVDs in a large bin marked “$3.74.”

Strapped to the young woman’s chest was a googly-eyed infant dressed in pink. The baby was trying gamely to snag one of the DVDs from the bin, emulating Mom and Dad.

Twice, the child succeeded and began to gnaw on the corner of the DVD. Each time, the mom snatched it away and sailed it back into the bin.

After a time, this exchange ensued:

DadHey, look. Alien. That’s an oldie.

MomWe got that already. You paid too much for it. I told you that.

They continued digging.

DadOh, wow! The Terminator! Another classic!

MomWe got that, too.

Dad — I know. I’m just sayin’ it goes way back. Schwarzenegger made The Terminator before he was President.

Mom — Honey, for God’s sake! Schwarzenegger wadn’t never President!

Dad — He damn sure was. He was President of California.

Mom — That is so dumb! Listen, he wadn’t PRESIDENT of California!

Dad — He damn sure was.

Mom — No, he wadn’t! He was MAYOR of California!

Dad — You sure?

Mom — Hell, yes!

Dad — Mayor, President. Same thing.

$3.74

 

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More random photos I’ve taken over the years that still make me smile.

Tanks

Warning sign

Socks

Opposable thumbs

Blonde power

 

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