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Well, this is a fine mess.

Over the last year, several of my preferred toiletry items have disappeared from the market. These were products I used regularly and counted on, and now they aren’t available anymore. Which leaves me with the unwelcome hassle of finding replacements.

Yes, I’m aware that products get axed all the time. The suits up at Corporate do it for “business reasons.” Maybe sales are down. Maybe the suits want to shake up the market with something new.

Whatever the reason, I am displeased, and I want to vent.

1 — my aftershave

A while back, Burt’s Bees® Natural Skin Care for Men Aftershave, which I had used for years, was replaced on store shelves by Burt’s Bees® Soothing Moisturizer+ Aftershave.

The thing is, I LIKED the old Burt’s Bees® aftershave. I found it pleasing to the nose, gentle to the skin. And, wouldn’t you know it, the replacement is bloody awful. The fragrance isn’t just different, it’s unpleasant. I used it one time and threw the tube in the trash.

2 — my shave cream

Also gone is Burt’s Bees® Natural Skin Care for Men Shave Cream. It was replaced by Burt’s Bees® Cooling Shave Cream with Aloe & Hemp Seed Oil.

Is the new shave cream, like the new aftershave, bloody awful? I don’t intend to find out.

Burt’s Bees® really whiffed the ball on this one. And it isn’t just me. The online chatter has been brutal in bad-mouthing the new versions and asking Burt’s Bees® to bring back the Natural product line.

For that to happen, the suits at Burt’s Bees® would have to admit they screwed up. Not very likely.

Meanwhile, tubes of the now-defunct, now-scarce Natural versions (which retailed for about $7.99) are selling online for $25 to $45 each.

I can only hope that heads will roll at Burt’s Bees®.

3 — my toothpaste

In addition to my beef with Burt’s Bees®, I have a bone to pick with Crest® Toothpaste. For years, my toothpaste was Crest® Complete Multi-Benefit™ Herbal Mint Fluoride Toothpaste. I found the herbal mint flavor to be pleasant and refreshing. Nice and minty.

But Crest® chose to cease production of the herbal mint variety. When I realized it wasn’t being restocked, I grabbed what few remaining boxes I could find. Now, alas, I am down to one unopened tube.

That means I’ll either have to start sampling the god-knows-how-many other Crest® varieties…

… or tell Crest® to go scratch and look elsewhere.

4 – my underarm deodorant

My final gripe re the sudden unavailability of my toiletries is about my deodorant. This was especially distressing, because one’s body becomes accustomed to the chemistry of one’s deodorant. Changing to a new type can be a problem.

But then I discovered that the suits had pulled a bait-and-switch, and my product was, in fact, still available. Let me explain.

My preference for a long time has been Mennen® Speed Stick® Fresh Deodorant. (A deodorant, not an antiperspirant; I don’t do antiperspirants.)

This is my preferred Mennen® Speed Stick® Fresh Deodorant:

Exhibit A, Speed Stick® Fresh

Sometime last year, I made a routine purchase of the product below, having been tricked by the similar label design and color:

Exhibit B, Speed Stick® Regular

To my alarm, the product I purchased (Exhibit B), although very close in appearance to my preferred product (Exhibit A), was a different product with a different fragrance.

Apparently, the sticker “New Look — Same Great Deodorant” refers to another Mennen® Speed Stick® deodorant that they neglect to identify.

It took a bit of sleuthing, but I finally figured out what Mennen® had done. The original Speed Stick® Fresh Deodorant (Exhibit A) is still on the market, but it was given deceptive new labeling. This labeling:

Exhibit C, the new Speed Stick® Fresh

The new Kelly green version of Speed Stick® Fresh (Exhibit C) is, to my relief, identical to the previous blueish-greenish-teal version (Exhibit A) on which I have depended for so long. My deodorant was concealed, not discontinued, so all is well.

But if the suits do away with the current green version of Speed Stick® Fresh (Exhibit C), I can’t be responsible for my actions.

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