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Posts Tagged ‘Humor’

Beebleberries

I’m a big fan of trivia, miscellanea, and minutiae. I enjoy coming across facts that pique my interest and make me think, wow, I didn’t know that, or wow, I forgot about that.

This predilection for random interesting stuff goes way back. A case in point:

During the 1970s, I lived in Fort Lauderdale, and for most of those years, I worked at the Chamber of Commerce in Hollywood, the city next door.

The staff numbered about half a dozen, both sexes, ranging in age from mid-20s to mid-30s. It was a good bunch, except for the boss, who was a petty tyrant and a self-serving jerk.

Being the office wordsmith and a trivia nut, I began the practice of issuing a weekly quiz of trivia questions for my office mates. I would distribute a list of five questions one day and the answers the next. The quizzes were quite a hit.

I drew the questions from the popular culture of the time. Specifically, the trivia reflected the experiences of people my age, who were born in the 1940s and grew up in the 1950s and 1960s.

Being compulsive when it comes to documenting things, and being loath to throw anything away, I kept many of those quizzes. Today, they stand out as dated curiosities, but interesting just the same.

Here is a sampling.

———

Questions:

1 – How would Elmer Fudd say “A rabbi from Lubbock”?
2 – What rivals both claim to possess the world’s largest ball of string?
3 – “Don Diego” is the real identity of whom?
4 – Who is Ming the Merciless?
5 – Describe Beany, Cecil, and Dishonest John.

Answers:

1 – Elmer pronounces his Rs and Ls as Ws, so he would say, “A wabbi from Wubbock.”
2 – Scrooge McDuck and his archenemy Flintheart Glomgold.
3 – Zorro.
4 – Flash Gordon’s nemesis.
5 – A little boy wearing a propeller beanie, a green dragon, and a mustachioed villain in black.

beany and cecil

Questions:

6 – In the stories told by Little Lulu, what did The Little Girl gather in the forest?
7 – Who were Corporal Barbella and Private Doberman?
8 – Who was the strong man on “The Big Top”?
9 – On the radio version of “Gunsmoke,” how did Marshall Dillon say the job affected him?
10 – What trio performed often on Ernie Kovaks’ TV show? What poet did Ernie portray?

Answers:

6 – Beebleberries, which are a cross between bananas and Spam.
7 – Soldiers who worked for Sgt. Bilko at the Fort Baxter motor pool.
8 – Dan Lurie, aka “Circus Dan the Muscle Man.”
9 – He said it makes a man watchful, and a little lonely.
10 – The Nairobi Trio and Percy Dovetonsils.

nairobi trio

percy d

Questions:

11 – Who were Tantor and N’kima?
12 – Who was Little Iodine’s father, and who did he work for?
13 – To become as small as her dog Sniffles, Mary Jane called upon “the magic words of ___.”
14 – What was the name of Sky King’s airplane?
15 – How did Commando Cody get around?

Answers:

11 – Tarzan’s favorite elephant and monkey.
12 – Her father was Henry Tremblechin, and he worked for Mr. Bigdome.
13 – “Poof Poof Piffles.”
14 – The Songbird.
15 – Via his rocket-powered flying suit.

commando cody

Questions:

16 – What was Superman’s name on the planet Krypton?
17 – Who were Knobby Walsh and Ann Howe?
18 – Who were Bullet and Buttermilk?
19 – Who was Wild Bill Hickok’s sidekick on TV?
20 – Who used the exclamation “Kowabunga!” on the Howdy Doody Show?

Answers:

16 – Kal-El, son of Jor-El.
17 – The boxing manager and the girlfriend of Joe Palooka.
18 – Roy Rogers’ dog and Dale Evans’ horse.
19 – Jingles P. Jones, played by Andy Devine.
20 – Chief Thunderthud.

chief thunderthud

———

Kowabunga, dudes.

 

 

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This Just In

BEIJING, CHINA — The 2018 Disney movie “Christopher Robin” has been banned in China, reportedly because President Xi Jinping is sensitive about his resemblance to Winnie the Pooh.

The ban follows a series of recent restrictions that block most references to Winnie the Pooh on Chinese social media. China’s internet filtering and censorship system is one of the most restrictive in the world.

Because Xi is sensitive about his perceived resemblance to Pooh, dissidents and critics bring it up at every opportunity. Winnie the Pooh coffee mugs have become popular, and side-by-side photos of Xi and Pooh appear regularly.

xi-pooh

BELLEVILLE, ILLINOIS — A team of firefighters rescued a Belleville man last month who became stuck in quicksand while pursuing his pet parrot.

The rescue took place at a city park after visitors reported the man calling for help.

A lake at the park was being dredged, and the mud became liquefied, forming the quicksand. Firefighters extended ladders across the mud and hauled the man to safety.

Ironically, the parrot returned and perched on the man’s shoulder during the rescue.

No injuries were reported to man, bird, or firefighters.

parrot rescue

KRATIÉ, CAMBODIA — Khim Hang, a 74-year-old widow, shares her home with a five-month-old calf she believes is a reincarnation of her husband Tol Khut, who died a year ago.

“I believe that the calf is my husband because whatever he does … is in exactly the same way as my husband did when he was alive,” she said.

The calf enters the woman’s home freely, where it is fed, washed, and put to bed on a pillow once used by Tol Khut.

The calf was born in March and has become a Cambodian social media sensation with a strong following on Facebook. As many as 100 people a day visit Khim Hang’s house to see the calf.

reincarnation

 

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anti-theft

Print

tacos

redundancy

 

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Old-young

blank

Former

Kessel run

 

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In late 1967, I was still stationed at Cannon AFB, New Mexico, near Clovis, the “Cattle Capitol of the Southwest.” I was a 1st Lt. and Commander of the Supply Squadron, and I had moved off-base to an apartment in Clovis (where, incidentally, I met my future wife Deanna).

Here are some of my journal entries from those days. In them, you will meet:

Col. Frank Shepard, Base Commander
Col. George Doerr, Deputy Base Commander
Capt. John Thornton, Base Legal Officer and my roommate
Capt. Ted Mayo, Base Legal Officer

———

3 NOV 67

Well, I’m in trouble for sure. This morning, I testified in Airman Key’s administrative discharge hearing. Key is a bad apple, and Col. Shepard (the Rococo Toad) is hell-bent on kicking him out of the service. The pressure from the Toad to get it done has been intense. Ill-advised, if not illegal.

Thornton kept me on the stand for 45 minutes, and I said my piece. In the end, the board voted to retain Key in the Air Force. Shepard will go ballistic when he reads the transcript.

Originally, Mayo was appointed as Key’s counsel, but Key insisted on Thornton. Ted was livid. After the hearing, John being John, he sent a telegram to Ted in Ft. Worth, where he and Judy are attending a country club gala. The telegram read, KEY RETAINED STOP MAY HE COME TO THE BALL STOP

5 NOV 67

A few months ago, the City of Clovis installed a marble tablet of the 10 Commandments on the courthouse lawn. Yes, for real. Thornton and I went down there this afternoon to take photos.

And get this: the Clovis tablet has 11 (eleven!) Commandments. The line about not coveting thy neighbor’s house is presented as Commandment 10, and the rest of the shalt-not-covets are Commandment 11. You can’t make this stuff up.

I’m pretty sure the 10th Commandment is supposed to be something like this: “Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s house, nor his wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor any thing that is thy neighbor’s.”

The Clovis version also skips the “nor his ox” part, and “nor his ass” was changed to “nor his cattle.”

Maybe the cattle part is appropriate. Clovis has stockyards as far as the eye can see and the nose can smell.

10 Cs

6 NOV 67

I got a call this morning from SSgt Hinkle, who came home early from a TDY assignment to find an airman from my squadron living with his wife. Hink wants to confront the airman in my presence. The villainous airman is on leave for a few days, so I have that to look forward to.

Mayo got John’s telegram Friday night in Ft. Worth. It arrived while they were searching for a pearl and diamond bracelet Judy lost. They didn’t find it. Poor Ted.

7 NOV 67

Thornton got permission from 12th AF to release a summarized transcript of Airman Key’s board hearing. Thank God. I was really worried about how Col. Toad would react to my testimony, honest and accurate though it was.

John said he did it to save his own skin, not mine. In his closing argument, he called Shepard two-faced and a dupe. Why, Shep would kick John off the bowling team for that.

8 NOV 67

Hinkle came to my office today and said he changed his mind, he doesn’t want a come-to-Jesus meeting with the cuckolding airman. He just wants the guy transferred as far away from Cannon as possible, ASAP. If not, he will call his congressman and every officer at Cannon from the rank of bird colonel on up.

When I informed Col. Shepard, he summoned me to his office, where he was waiting with Col. Doerr (Commissioner Gordon). Doerr is a decent guy, but nobody considers him a mental giant. He had little to contribute.

Shepard finally decided it would be best to get the offending airman reassigned. He left to go talk to Personnel about it.

9 NOV 67

The Squadron Fire Marshals met today at 1400 hours. I had to meet with Col. Shepard and Hinkle at 1500, so at 1445, I got up and quietly excused myself.

Col. Stitt, always a favorite among the junior officers, said, “Where do you think you’re going?” I explained where. “Sit down, Lieutenant,” he said. Sir yes sir.

The meeting ran until 1530 hours. When I got to the Toad’s office, he chewed me out for being late. I apologized for being such a slug.

Col. Shepard told Sgt. Hinkle that the Casanova airman will get a fast assignment to somewhere else. Personnel is already working on it.

He then gave Hinkle a lecture on how to keep your family together. Ha. Last spring, the Toad’s wife threw him out for two weeks for some mysterious transgression. To our collective chagrin, we never found out what it was.

10 NOV 67

When I got back from lunch, Capt. Bryan from Civil Engineering was waiting in my office. Some major told him that the CE barracks is a disgrace and Bryan’s men are filthy pigs, which is true. The major said Bryan could learn something from Supply Squadron.

That was flattering. I wanted to ask which major it was, but Bryan wasn’t in a happy place, so I refrained.

In spite of being angry and insulted, Bryan was curious. And there he was, asking to see my barracks. I gave him the pass keys and sent him down the hall with a pat on the rump.

13 NOV 67

This morning, MSgt Smith popped in and said he couldn’t find the pass keys. Did I have them? Crap. That moron Bryan didn’t return them.

Smith asked what we should do. I said either pick up the phone and call Bryan or go over to CE and find him, your choice.

I’m amazed that Smith got to be a first sergeant. He always needs help or permission.

I’m beginning to think the Air Force is a haven for incompetents and loafers who can’t make it in the civilian world. Maybe the entire military is that way. I try to maintain my sense of humor about it. You could go mad if you let the daily nonsense and stupidity and petty dramas wear you down.

Now if I can just laugh my way through the next 264 days, I’ll have my DD 214.

DD 214

———

The Rocky Smith of those days honestly believed, I can attest, that the Air Force was a sanctuary for incompetents and loafers incapable of handling civilian life. To him, the evidence was clear.

On the other hand, he was still a young lieutenant, not long out of college, whose work experience was, in fact, limited to the Air Force. Not until he left the military and widened his experience would he learn the truth: all workplaces are the same, whether military, government, academic, privately-held, or whatever.

In reality, the world of Dilbert is the universal norm. Only the people change. And you might as well laugh as cry.

 

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When I got my Bachelor’s degree in 1964, I wanted to follow up with a Master’s in Journalism and Law. But there was a complication. I took ROTC as an undergraduate, and at some point, the Air Force would call me up to serve four years on active duty.

In reality, months could pass, even a year or more, before your orders arrived. Starting grad school in the meantime was not unreasonable.

But it didn’t happen. My orders arrived immediately. I graduated in early June and became 2nd Lt. Smith by the end of July. Indeed, life is like a box of chocolates.

My assignment was to Cannon AFB in eastern New Mexico. I lived in the Bachelor Officers Quarters and worked as an Administrative Officer, a deputy to one of the squadron commanders. Later, when the C.O. went to Vietnam, I moved up to his job.

Being a Journalism major and predisposed to writing, I quickly fell into the habit of keeping a journal about my life at Cannon.

Here are some entries from late 1965. All the names below are real except “Billy Joe Brown.” For him, a pseudonym seemed prudent.

———

3 DEC 65

The legal office called this morning and said to come running. They needed me on standby until we got a verdict in the court-martial of one of my airmen, Billy Joe Brown, alleged bad check artist, deserter, and car thief.

Billy Joe and I played double solitaire for an hour, and then the verdict arrived: a Bad Conduct Discharge, forfeiture of all pay, and six months confinement. I signed Billy Joe over to the APs and headed out to find some lunch.

6 DEC 65

Groan. 1st Lt. Jelley from Operations Support called. He said he had reason to believe that one of my men, A1C Wika, had stolen two parachutes while on the night shift and may have hidden them in his room in the barracks.

“You’re kidding,” I said. Jelley said no, he wasn’t kidding. With a sigh, I went up to Wika’s room and woke him up. I said, “Do you know your rights under Article 31 of the Uniform Code of Military Justice?” Nope.

I couldn’t ask questions until he acknowledged his rights, so I went back down to my office, got a copy of Article 31, and read it to him. He said he understood.

So I said, “Wika, don’t laugh, but did you swipe two parachutes while you were working last night, and if so, are they hidden in this room?” The room is barely large enough for me, Wika, and the bed.

“Yeah, Lieutenant,” he snorted. “I stuffed them in the pillowcase.”

7 DEC 65

I got to my office this morning to find 2nd Lt. Harkrider and MSgt Childress from Base Fuels waiting for me. Harkrider, who looks about 14, is trying to grow a mustache. It’s sort of a wispy blond thing. He said someone stole a parka, and he needed my advice on how to open an investigation.

That’s easy, I said. You don’t open an investigation. You call the Air Police, stand back, and watch them open it. Childress, who is twice as big as Harkrider and twice his age, never spoke.

8 DEC 65

MSgt Stricklan is a crackerjack first sergeant. I’m lucky to have him. Everyone at Cannon respects him, from the top brass to the latrine orderlies.

Strick and I have an unofficial arrangement: I don’t do anything without his tacit approval. That way, the squadron runs smoothly, and I get credit for having the sense to listen to my first sergeant. Mama didn’t raise no fool.

Usually, Strick is stoic and cool-headed, but this week he nearly blew a fuse. It happened during the barracks inspection when he discovered that Airman Lloyd hadn’t changed the sheets on his bed for about a year.

Apparently, Lloyd was out boozing the night before and was still sawing logs when Strick reached his room. Lloyd usually has the bed made and the room ready for inspection, but this time, he was sprawled out on the bed zonked, and the linens were exposed for all to see.

Something about it hit a nerve with Strick. He was appalled. Indignant. He said the sheets were brown, Lieutenant! Literally brown! He reamed Lloyd out and told him to (1) change the bed, (2) prepare for a re-inspection, and then (3) report to my office.

An hour later, a half-hung-over Lloyd knocked on my office door. He admitted he hadn’t changed the sheets since he arrived at Cannon this time last year, but he didn’t see what the big deal was. It was easier just to make the bed and be done with it.

I patiently made a hygiene case. Lloyd wasn’t impressed. No matter, I told him. I suspect you’re about to be put on a laundry schedule that will be personally monitored by the First Sergeant.

10 DEC 65

Maj. Colvard from Operations Support called. He wanted to know if I had reported the theft of the two parachutes to the APs. I said no, they aren’t my parachutes.

Maybe not, he said, but Col. Shepard wants you to handle it. And while you’re at it, report the loss of six aircraft tires. I have the paperwork. Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.

———

In my next post, some journal entries from 1967.

Stricklan & Smith

MSgt Stricklan and 2nd Lt. Smith in the Orderly Room, December 1965. Note the many decorations Lt. Smith had earned at that stage of his military career.

 

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Hobbit

Schrodinger

Clowns, jokers

Importanter

 

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