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Posts Tagged ‘Humor’

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More random photos I’ve taken over the years that still make me smile.

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More random photos I’ve taken over the years that still make me smile.

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Rasta Man

Now and then, I make a run to Big Lots to check the price of dog treats. Dog treats are way overpriced in most places, owing to the fact that people — not me, but too many people — will pay $11.99 for Fido’s chicken-flavored rawhides or mint-infused dental chews and somehow not feel indignant and ripped off.

Anyway, I discovered that Big Lots sometimes has good deals on name-brand treats, so last week, I made one of my periodic trips to the Big Lots in Gainesville.

Approaching the entrance, I noticed a man ahead of me whose attire was especially incongruous and eccentric.

He wore a rastacap, but he was by no stretch the Rastafarian type; he was an elderly white guy who looked to be in his 60s, although he was tall and skinny, which might fit the pattern.

Based on his wispy sideburns, the rastacap was unlikely to be concealing dreadlocks. The cap, I assumed, was a fashion statement.

Well, fashion is the wrong word to use here. In addition to the rastacap, he wore dandelion yellow sweatpants, a blue Adidas hoodie, and red and white running shoes, all of it — cap included — faded and well worn.

Now, everyone has a story, and I know I’m being judgmental here, but personally, I am rather fastidious with regard to my attire. I dress casually, but neatly, and I aspire to a coordinated, tasteful ensemble. That’s just how I roll.

For example, when I wear brown pants, I wear a brown belt, and I choose socks and a shirt of colors harmonious with brown.

When I wear blue or black pants, I select a black belt, plus socks and shirt of complementary colors. (Defined as hues on opposite sides of the color wheel. Look it up.)

Rasta Man’s attire, conversely, was a kaleidoscope of random bits — a jarring and frankly offensive stylistic nightmare. Maybe he dressed in the dark that day. Or while stoned. Or both.

He arrived at the store entrance about 20 feet ahead of me, abruptly stopped, took out his cell phone, and dialed. Best to make that call before you go inside and lose the signal, right?

I heard loud ringing, which indicated he was on speakerphone. A female voice answered and said something unintelligible.

The man tapped on the keypad again, then held the phone aloft, a foot from his right ear. He cocked his ear toward the phone and paused in anticipation.

“Your balance,” said a mechanical female voice from the phone, “is ZERO dollars and FIVE cents.”

Hmmm. Five cents in the bank might explain the condition of his clothing.

Rasta Man pocketed the phone and proceeded into Big Lots.

Undoubtedly to make a cash purchase.

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RALEIGH, NORTH CAROLINA — The North Carolina Supreme Court has ruled that flipping off a law enforcement officer is not sufficient grounds for the officer to make a traffic stop or file criminal charges.

The decision overturned a lower court ruling regarding the 2017 incident of a Stanly County man who drove past a state trooper helping a stranded motorist and gave the officer the finger. The trooper pursued and stopped the man and cited him for disorderly conduct.

Lawyers for the state claimed the trooper was justified, but the Supreme Court said the evidence was “insufficient to conclude defendant’s conduct was likely to cause a breach of the peace.”

The North Carolina chapter of the American Civil Liberties Union filed a brief in the case which stated that raising the middle finger is “protected speech.” An ACLU attorney called the incident “a textbook example of how public officials criminalize dissent and criticism.”

Middle finger

PALM COAST, FLORIDA — When sheriff’s deputies arrived at a house believed to contain drugs and drug paraphernalia, they found a welcome mat that read “Come back with a warrant.”

So we did,” said Sheriff Rick Staly.

Deputies obtained a warrant from the court and returned to the house. Inside, they confiscated a large amount of the opioid fentanyl, a supply of syringes, and other drug-related items.

Staly said three adults and one child were inside the house. Charges are expected to be filed against the adults. The Florida Department of Children and Families was contacted regarding disposition of the child.

Warrant

LUND, SWEDEN — the City of Lund spread more than a ton of chicken manure in a local park to discourage people from gathering there to celebrate an upcoming festival.

The manure was spread in Lundagård Park just before the festival of Walpurgis Night, a European festival in which revelers celebrate the end of winter with bonfires and dancing. Officials said the city acted because of the COVID-19 pandemic.

Gustav Lundblad, chairman of Lund’s environmental committee, said spreading the manure served two purposes: it fertilized the park, and it kept people from celebrating there.

Lundblad said he regretted that an unpleasant odor drifted to other parts of the city, but he was pleased that the manure served its purpose.

Chicken manure

 

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I teach

Unfriend

Honk

Buckle up

 

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MANCHESTER, NEW HAMPSHIRE — A Manchester man faces felony charges after he chased one of his neighbors with a sword.

Police said the victim knocked on the assailant’s door to complain about loud music. The assailant became enraged and produced a 30-inch sword. He chased the neighbor down the hall and into the street, brandishing the sword in a threatening manner.

The neighbor escaped without injury. Manchester police filed charges of criminal threatening.

Sword-wielder

BUNNELL, FLORIDA — A Florida man has been arrested and jailed twice in one week for impersonating a law enforcement officer.

The 60-year-old man was first arrested after he used a fake law enforcement badge to avoid paying a $2 highway toll. Under state law, police officers are exempt from the tolls. The man was charged with impersonating an officer, jailed, and released on bond.

Days later, he flashed the fake badge a second time at another toll station. When the attendant produced a newspaper clipping about the first arrest, the man paid the toll, but was arrested for the attempt.

The second arrest earned him another charge of impersonating an officer, plus felony violation of pre-trial release. He was jailed without bond.

Toll

LAS CRUCES, NEW MEXICO — A 48-year-old woman faces multiple charges after she stole a car and claimed to be the pop singer Beyoncé Knowles.

Police said an officer saw her driving a vehicle matching the description of a recently-stolen car. He ordered her to pull over, but she drove away. The officer followed and confronted her when she stopped in front of her residence.

The woman told the officer she was Beyoncé Knowles. She said she noticed the keys were in the vehicle, and she decided to take it for a joy ride. She told the officer she didn’t stop when he turned on his emergency lights because she “didn’t feel like it.”

She was charged with unlawful taking of a motor vehicle, concealing identity, and resisting or obstructing an arrest.

Beyonce

 

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Special “I’m Still Offended That This Fool Was Elected President” Edition

Fuhrer

8645

Changing

Mensch

Angel loses

Free Melania

One in three

Fired

Demagogues

Supercallous

Great again

Never trust

 

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